Drunk and Driven

My pursuit of drunken perfection (humor)

I’m thinking about becoming an alcoholic. Beer and wine are my favorites, so I’ll drink a lot of them. I don’t like hard liquor, but I’ll drink it if that what it takes to realize my ambition. Unlike some people out there who want things handed to them, I’m willing to work and am dedicated to achieving my goals.

I have little doubt that alcoholism is a good career move. Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, employers can’t take adverse employment action against a reformed alcoholic based on his alcoholism. As a practical matter, this means any time an alcoholic is denied a job, a promotion, or a raise, he can scream, “It’s because I’m an alcoholic, isn’t it!” As Dick Vitale would put it, “Protected class, baby!”

For guys like me, alcoholism is the only way to get such protected status. I could also lop off an arm or something like that, thus becoming genuinely disabled, but I hear that’s painful and it would adversely affect my golf game. (Drinking, incidentally, doesn’t — nor does it impair my bowling.)

I’m not just working the legal angles, either. I also look at alcoholism as a way to build up my credentials.

I’ve noticed that reformed alcoholics (and drug addicts) are uniquely respected. Once a person goes through rehab, he’s certifiably…