Hand Me a Gallon of that Vodka and Mountain Dew

Photo by Ash Edmonds on Unsplash

Here’s something obvious that I never brought to the surface of full consciousness: a cocktail must, you know, taste like alcohol:

A cocktail “must have sufficient alcoholic flavor.” Even the simplest of cocktails like a vermouth cassis must taste of alcohol. If you don’t like the taste of the stuff, drink soda water. There’s nothing else to say. Drinks that don’t taste of alcohol were developed for coeds and the saps who try to get them drunk. There are cocktails for every palate, and every cocktail is adjustable. If you don’t like bitter herbs, make a Negroni with simple syrup substituted for a quarter of the Campari. A cocktail tailored to your palate will still taste wonderfully of the alcohol. A cocktail that does not taste of its alcohol is likely something disreputable.

I found that slice of literature in an old New Criterion issue (oxymoron intentional).

It’s a weird piece. In fact, it’s like a blog entry without the sustained level of attention, such is the disconnected nature of its paragraphs. Entertaining enough, but choppy.

Regardless, that obvious piece of information (a cocktail must taste like alcohol) answers that ancient teenage question: Why not Crystal Palace (pro. “CREEsta PaLAHchay”) vodka and Mountain Dew? I mean, the Mountain Dew kills the alcohol taste, at least…